Just for Shits n Giggles

Well friends, it’s been far too long since we shoveled out the barn and added to this blog. Lately I’ve been thinking about all the different kinds of shit we encounter every day. it’s kind of like Forest Gump’s friend Bubba listing off all the ways there are to prepare shrimp. There’s a shitload of them. Just the other day I came across some terrific examples of “literary shit”.

You more intellectual types might have heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest which recognizes excellence in bad writing. It is a contest that challenges people “to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.” “It was a dark and stormy night” was the opening line of Snoopy’s novel (you remember Snoopy – Charlie Brown’s dog from the comic strip Peanuts). It was also the opening line of the piece of crap that inspired this contest. You read about the inspiration for this contest and enjoy some excellent examples of literary manure at the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

Now let’s see, there’s political shit and bureaucratic bullshit, overpriced shit, useless shit, mother-in-law bullshit, insurance bullshit, computer bullshit, informercial shit, tax bullshit, ex-girlfriend bullshit, ex-wife bullshit, ex-mother-in-law bullshit, road construction bullshit, the neighbor’s dog shit on your lawn shit, the expensive shit you bought 366 days ago just broke and it’s not covered under warranty shit…

I have arrived at the venerable age when the doctor utters that sphincter puckering word, “colonoscopy”. Being a frugal yankee and not particularly fond of bodily intrusion, this year I opted for a less low tech and certainly more fitting exam – the venerable stool sample. When I arrived at the examining room with said sample in hand, I inquired if they would be analyzing the sample there of if they sent it out. The nurse who took my pulse informed me that she would have the pleasure of checking that herself. I thought, this is perfect. It was obvious that she had a sense of humor, and I thought who could appreciate our twisted sense of humor better than this woman?

After the appointment, I returned to drop off a calendar to this nurse. Later that day I got a call from the office manager asking if I had any more calendars for sale. Now there’s a bunch of good shits. So here’s to you ladies for handling what can be a crappy job with professionalism, skill & good humor. Salute!

Are you a dumbshit? I know I can be. We invite you to share with us your dumbshit episodes. We’ll post the stories here and next month we’ll announce a winner who will receive accolades plus an autographed 2010 Just for Shits n Giggles calendar! (Be still my heart!) I’ll start the ball rolling.

Back when I drove “old blue”, my 1990 Dodge Dynasty, I would meet my carpooling buddy at the “Park and Ride.” Now old Blue was a special kind of car with some unique features. Every time I’d go over a good bump the doors would unlock and relock and the warning bell would chime. You could also take the key out of the ignition without turning the car off – pretty special huh? So one morning while waiting for my ride I turned on the radio and closed my eyes for a few minutes. I woke up to my carpool buddy honking his horn. I grabbed my keys and lunch, jumped out of the car and off we went.

When I returned that evening I discovered I had managed to pull the keys out without shutting the car off. It’s surprising how little a car will burn idling for 9 hours. I wouldn’t particularly recommend you try it, but at least it didn’t run out of gas or blow up. So there you have it. I’m a dumbshit. How about you?

Where might I purchase the delightfully earthy Just for Shits n Giggles calendar you ask? Well, dear reader, look no further! Said conversation piece can purchased here or at any of the discerning establishments listed below:

Butternut Mtn. Farm – Johnson, VT
Forget Me Not – Johnson, VT
Maple Outlet – Jeffersonville, VT
Hanley’s – Jeffersonville, VT
Underhill Country Store, Underhill Center, VT
Elmore Store, Elmore, VT
Caplan’s – Morrisville, VT
Cambridge Market – Cambridge, VT
Waterville Market – Waterville, VT
Eden General Store – Eden, VT
River Valley Store – North Hyde Park, Vt
The Dam Store – Georgia, VT

Parker’s – Lancaster, NH
Martin’s Agway – Lancaster, NH
Ray and Deb’s, Lancaster, NH

This just in from the “Oh shit” department. And you thought you had a bad day!
OH SHIT

And for those of you who suffer from dumbshititis, these will make you feel better. Why by comparison you’re a veritable genius!
Dumbshits on parade

Check out the new shit-o-gram right here. Is someone on your shit list? Are your friends are full of shit? Send them a shit-o-gram to let them know just what you think. It’s just like sending a postcard, only crappier. Click on your favorite shitism and then fill in the form. The word is “shit”, so spread the word.

At long last we have the 2010 edition of the Just for Shits n Giggles Calendar in our sweaty little hands. Sounds the trumpets, release the doves, huzzah! (and all that crap). Publishing the calendar is a little like have a really big BM – it can be a big pain in the ass and you’re really glad when it’s over. But when we share it with our friends and see their laughter it’s all worth it. We’re in the process of distributing the calendar to stores and in a day or two you’ll be able to purchase them right here on the website. And if you’re in the Burlington area please swing by the University Mall and say “howdy.” We’ll be slinging calendars there all weekend long. Here’s wishing you a very unshitty holiday season. And spread the word (you know which word we mean, right?)

Hey folks, just an update on the 2010 calendar. Well we finally got our poop in a group and are in high gear on production of the 2010 calendar. We hope to have it ready about the beginning of October. We had hoped to have it out earlier, but had too much other shit going on. If you’re reading this we’ve also managed to launch our new website. (If you aren’t reading this then please ignore that last bit). We think it’s pretty shitty and hope you do too. Drop us a line and let us know what you think – we’d love to hear from you. We’d especially like to know what you’d like to see here. Well, I really gotta go…now where’d I put my magazine?