You more intellectual types might have heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest which recognizes excellence in bad writing. It is a contest that challenges people “to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.” “It was a dark and stormy night” was the opening line of Snoopy’s novel (you remember Snoopy – Charlie Brown’s dog from the comic strip Peanuts). It was also the opening line of the piece of crap that inspired this contest. You read about the inspiration for this contest and enjoy some excellent examples of literary manure at the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

Now let’s see, there’s political shit and bureaucratic bullshit, overpriced shit, useless shit, mother-in-law bullshit, insurance bullshit, computer bullshit, informercial shit, tax bullshit, ex-girlfriend bullshit, ex-wife bullshit, ex-mother-in-law bullshit, road construction bullshit, the neighbor’s dog shit on your lawn shit, the expensive shit you bought 366 days ago just broke and it’s not covered under warranty shit…

After the appointment, I returned to drop off a calendar to this nurse. Later that day I got a call from the office manager asking if I had any more calendars for sale. Now there’s a bunch of good shits. So here’s to you ladies for handling what can be a crappy job with professionalism, skill & good humor. Salute!

Back when I drove “old blue”, my 1990 Dodge Dynasty, I would meet my carpooling buddy at the “Park and Ride.” Now old Blue was a special kind of car with some unique features. Every time I’d go over a good bump the doors would unlock and relock and the warning bell would chime. You could also take the key out of the ignition without turning the car off – pretty special huh? So one morning while waiting for my ride I turned on the radio and closed my eyes for a few minutes. I woke up to my carpool buddy honking his horn. I grabbed my keys and lunch, jumped out of the car and off we went.

When I returned that evening I discovered I had managed to pull the keys out without shutting the car off. It’s surprising how little a car will burn idling for 9 hours. I wouldn’t particularly recommend you try it, but at least it didn’t run out of gas or blow up. So there you have it. I’m a dumbshit. How about you?

Butternut Mtn. Farm – Johnson, VT
Forget Me Not – Johnson, VT
Maple Outlet – Jeffersonville, VT
Hanley’s – Jeffersonville, VT
Underhill Country Store, Underhill Center, VT
Elmore Store, Elmore, VT
Caplan’s – Morrisville, VT
Cambridge Market – Cambridge, VT
Waterville Market – Waterville, VT
Eden General Store – Eden, VT
River Valley Store – North Hyde Park, Vt
The Dam Store – Georgia, VT

Parker’s – Lancaster, NH
Martin’s Agway – Lancaster, NH
Ray and Deb’s, Lancaster, NH

And for those of you who suffer from dumbshititis, these will make you feel better. Why by comparison you’re a veritable genius!
Dumbshits on parade